Princess Diaries ੈ♡₊˚•.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ Currently... ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Mood: Tranquil

Weather: Clear

Listening to: Anxiety by Doechii

Reading: Heartstrings Webcomic

Watching: Severance Season 2

Playing: Lost Records: Bloom and Rage

Drinking: Sparkling Ice Black Cherry

Perfume: Covered in Roses by Bath and Body Works

One Thing I'm Grateful For: The warmth I feel when the sun touches my face

My first and personal site Sanguine Royal turned two years old on December 26th (officially the day I started building it), and I decided to take down most of it's content with the exception of a couple of pages. I've wanted to redo my code on most pages for a long time, but every time I looked at it I'd get overwhelmed and shut my laptop lid. At some point I realized it would be easier to start from scratch rather than attempting to decipher incorrect code written years ago. Some might see it as an unecessary decision— why not just leave the old code online so that others can enjoy the site while it's getting a much needed facelift, especially if it's still relatively functional and I'm continuing to pay for the domain?

Honestly, they're right. I could've easily just left a note somewhere on the entry page that the site is going inactive/is on semi-hiatus while I work on the new code. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I just didn't feel good leaving parts of myself I didn't identify with anymore online for anyone to see. It's a bit silly to conflate bits of my being with html tags, but I started working on my personal site during a period of my life where I didn't know where I was going, or what I was going to do in regards to both my career and continuing a lawful presence in the United States with the rest of my immediate family. Despite my big age, I was foolishly hopeful that the American government would pass some kind of fix (temporary or not) on a legislative level in 2022 that would alleviate the persistant agony immigration insecurity caused my family. During the summer of 2022, I testified to members of the House and Congress about my family and I's immigration story, how we had waited almost 15 years for a chance at permanent residency, and how it has greatly impacted the trajectory of our lives. I really had hope that something was going to change. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I didn't need to feel ashamed about my immigration status, and that my words had power. Unfourtunately, amendments that would've helped the cases of me and many others didn't pass for one reason or another. Once again, the lives of immigrants were used as pawns for politics. For someone who was learning how to hope for the first time in years, it was gut wrenching. I wouldn't say that this was the sole reason why I fell into a paralyzing hikikomori-esque depression, but it certainly didn't help.

The only word that truly describes the way I felt at the time was "hollow". Where my organs were supposed to be, there was instead a large, dark cavity. I avoided speaking to most of my friends. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't have the energy to smile and lie through my teeth that everything was okay. It's not like I could've talked to them truthfully about how I was doing either. When people become my friend, they are not asking to learn about the American immigration system as intimately as I am forced to. I was so tired all the time both physically (from an unresolved thyroid issue) and emotionally (from unresolved adverse childhood experiences) that basic hygeine like showering and brushing my teeth just didn't get done routinely. If it weren't for the fact that I live with my parents, I wouldn't have ever gone outside or eaten regularly. I spent most hours of the day numbing out on the internet mindlessly rewatching let's plays of the same comfort games over, and over, and over again hoping that one day my brain would just shut down forever. Then I'd never have to think about any of this bureaucratic bullshit ever again. My legal status was a ticking time bomb too— after my initial student visa, my next jump was a visitor's visa that lasted 6 months. I needed to figure out what to do next. But there were so many moving pieces and parts that I had no idea what to do next. I wasn't the person that I felt like I should've been by that age, and it felt like battery acid slowly corroding me from the inside out.

One of the few more "active" things I did at the time was working on my personal site. I wouldn't have been able to verbalize this then, but tinkering with web page creation gave me a sense of control that I was unable to get anywhere else at the time. I am a hostage of my legal status and the American immigration system. In my day to day life, despite having graduated elementary, middle, high school, AND undergrad from American institutions, I am still considered a mere guest by the United States. I never made the choice to move to this country, my parents did and I was brought along for the journey. My life had never felt like "my own"; I had always been performing for others whether it was for individuals or institutions. But when I was working on my personal site, I was free. Although I had initially intended on just having a site with a basic about page and a couple of art galleries, I was drawn to the random bits and pieces other people shared about themselves on their sites, and felt inspired to make more pages I hadn't initially planned for myself. I started to see personal sites as a form of self-portraiture done in markup language rather than pencil. On my personal site, the only person's expectations I had to meet was my own. My only job was to exist. And this helped heal me. I thought that I was an anti-internet person back then, but it turns out that I'm really not. I had just gotten frustrated with the passive way that I had gotten accustomed with using it: turning off my brain and allowing the algorithm to feed me whatever it wants. Having a personal site where I was my only boss started a snowball of positive momentum for me. I started to reframe a lot of my life in the context of me having choices. It wasn’t something I chose to do consciously, but it started the process of rewiring my brain for the better.

I don't identify with the version of myself that had to peel themself from their bedsheets everyday anymore, and I'm grateful for that. I am the healthiest and happiest version of myself I've been since I was a child. That being said, seeing the personal site and code I had written during what I easily consider one of the worst times of my life online and live for anyone to visit didn't sit right within my spirit. On the outside it probably seems silly, especially since I don't plan on making the site redesign look super different! But that's the beauty of having a personal site, isn't it? Complete control and sovereignty over your online presence, even if it means being down temporarily. To be honest, I don't know how soon or quickly I'll be able to get a site redesign up. There are other areas of my life that I am prioritizing right now, especially my physical health and reconnecting with friends. But I think that's okay. It's not like the internet is going anywhere soon, right?

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ Currently... ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Mood: Hopeful

Weather: Cloudy

Current Song on Repeat: Choose Your Fighter by Emeline

Reading: Wanted by Sara Shepard

Watching: The OC Season 1

Playing: A Date With Death

Drinking: Kung Fu Tea x Strawberry Shortcake: Strawberry Dreams Milk Tea

Perfume: Perfect in Pink by Bath and Body Works

One Thing I'm Grateful For: Public Libraries

Hello 2025, and happy belated New Year! We're a little over a month in, and things have been relatively peaceful in my immediate life so far. This isn't something that should make me feel uneasy, but I can't help it. For as long as I can remember, I've always put myself in situations and circumstances that made me feel tense and panicked about life in general— partially on purpose, partially not on purpose.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was dealing with chronic fatigue for almost 10+ years of my life as a symptom of something bigger physically wrong with me. Because these issues started primarily when I was a teenager, I spent my formative years seeing myself as a lazy person. I didn't have the brain capacity to do much, nevermind be passionate about anything. I used to compensate for it by overloading my days with classes and extracirruculars in hopes of proving myself wrong, to put on the airs of being hardworking and successful, in hopes of finding the one thing that would hold my interest deeply enough that it'd get me out of bed. But in the end, the problem was not my willpower, it was something larger than that. I feel like part of the reason why I was able to emerge out of schedules insane for my physical health at the time decently successful was because of the amount of flexibility Covid-19 protocols forced upon institutions back in the day. I was an undergraduate student from Autumn 2019 to December 2022, so I really only had one "normal" schedule under my belt, which coincidentally also happened to be the only semester in which I failed a class in. At the time, I brushed it off as having difficulty adjusted to the rigor of college classes, which I'm sure also played a role! But honestly, looking back, the real issue was my inability to get out of bed or even sit at a desk for more than an hour to get any work done or even study. After that semester, things for the most part shifted online, so I was able to work on things more at my own pace. Things like classes and meetings were online, and I used to be able to lay down in between and take naps as necessary. My parents took care of household chores and planning meals, but doing basic hygiene like brushing my teeth or taking showers were some of the hardest things for me to do at the time. I grew up with mental health issues so it was incredibly easy for me to chalk these things up to just being unwell due to living through a global pandemic. It wasn't until I saw my mental health symptoms go into remission, my passive suicidality disappear, and the world generally go back to "normal" that I realized something seriously was wrong if I still felt the need to sleep 12 hours a day.

2024 was a really transformative year in the sense that I feel like I've finally managed to regain control in my life. I finally feel like I control my days rather than my days controlling me due to the urge to lay in bed all day. Admitting that I needed medical intervention was really fucking hard. I don't know why but it felt like admitting defeat, like admitting that I was born defective. The first time that I reached out for help was for my mental illness, and it was not taken well by my parents. From that experience I kind of learned to associate reaching out for help as a shameful thing. I really hate this particular part of my temperament. Growing up, I wasn't really modeled a stable personality or lifestyle. Instead, I feel like I was repeatedly told that I was special and free to do or ask for help with anything, but there was always an imbalance between my parents' words and their actions. There was always a desire and expectation for extraverted excellence from me as their first and oldest child, and I've always been hyperaware of this. for example, in elementary school, I was always told that I had a lovely voice and the fact that I sang was great! But being in my school's choir wasn't enough for them. I was forced to perform solo in front of an audience for the school's talent show for many years after. Me acheiving external praise and success became the antidote to the familial shame my parents probably felt from leaving my extended family back in India behind. I never felt that the average normal child inside of me was worthy of love and affirmation.

I've always felt pressure to be "successful". The issue I faced is that the definition of success was constantly changing. Being a third culture kid growing up was difficult. My parents defined success for me a certain way based on their cultural upbringing. My childhood in Canada defined success a certain way. My upringing in the United States defined success a completely different way. There were so many different ways to be considered successful, and that's all I ever wanted to be because I didn't know what I wanted for myself. I just wanted to somehow be considered unique and successful— but culture, community, and life in general makes it impossible to retain that level of "prestige". I pride myself on being an ambitious person, and I generally have the social ability to blend into any system and look like I belong there. It's always been both a gift and a curse. You can only blend into so many different environments before you start to lose track of who you really are and what you want at your core. I craved societal affirmation so badly, because deep down, I struggled with a sense of shame and disconnection from my true wants for my own life. I was driven by a deep desire to be seen as unique or special, while at the same time plagued by envy of how easy it looked for everyone one else to simply live. I believed that everyone else inherently had something I didn't have, and it fed my natural competitiveness. I shifted my attention to a special area of life to succeed at rather than going after what everyone else already had to hopefully be both unique and successful. I locked into tasks to win awards and accolades that made me feel accomplished in order to avoid having to feel any of my true feelings. My core sin is that I (used to) lie a lot, and I mostly lied to myself. I lied to myself and others about the state of my health and what I was mentally and physically capable of. My deceit was never malicious, I just couldn't bear the thought of losing other people's admiration or approval, because somewhere along the way I internalized those things as the things I should value the most. I often swang from total ego inflation to crippling self doubt all in the span of one afternoon due to the grandiose expectations that I had for myself that nobody could ever possibly actually acheive.

On the other hand, my younger brother will finish his first year of undergrad this May. I am jealous of how much more of a well adjusted of a person he appears to be at 18 than I was. We both grew up in the same household, under similar circumstances, but it feels like he's just a healthier and happier person than I am overall. I am 23 years old and still don't have my driver's license, meanwhile he got his at 17 and regularly drives himself to and from university, the very same university that I attended. At least on the outside, he doesn't appear to be upset that due to finances he is forced to live with our parents and commute the way I did. On the other hand, I cried and threw tantrums many, many times. It makes me feel pathetic that I behaved that way. I was upset that I was going to have to continue being reliant on my parents for everything, and I wouldn't be able to start blossoming into an adult the way I thought everyone else my age was. I thought that being as extrodinary as possible would make my immigrant parents' sacrifices worth it, but ironically the same reason why I was incredibly limited by what I could do was because of our statuses as immigrants. Furthermore, I was upset because I was a lesbian that had to continue living with their homophobic parents and their rules. I wanted to have the space to learn about myself and grow outside of my parents' influence, but I wasn't able to have that. Remembering that there is a past version of myself out there that wasn't able to fully understand the gifts I had in front of me despite their flaws kills me sometimes. There are thousands of people out there that would do anything to have my life and it's privileges. I know that now.

I try really hard to be empathetic with my past self, but it's really hard for me to because I see my past self as a selfish person who did not understand the value of things in life while they had them sometimes. I am afraid of the fact that I am changing for the better now, because it means that I was always capable of change. I feel like if I had taken the right steps to work towards becoming healthier sooner, I could've avoided a lot of pain and heartache in different areas of my life. It is a mix of guilt, grief, and bittersweet realization that feels heavy to hold at times. I keep forgetting to take into account that I was literally sick. I wouldn't have been able to describe myself as sick at the time because I didn't know life could feel any different, but now that I'm on the other side of it, I can say with certainity I wasn't healthy. But I don't need to stay loyal to my suffering like it's a badge of honor. Getting on medication that finally made my body and brain work the way that it's supposed to has truly been lifechanging. Sometimes I still feel the ache of hindight— I'm finally able to see how much power and motivation I've always had, but I'm also mourning the time I was not able to fully use it. I know that earlier me wasn't necessarily weak, lazy, or incapable; they were surviving, learning, and maybe even just coping with life in ways they understood at the time. Growth isn't a "should-have-been" kind of situation. It is messy, unpredictable, and honestly only happens when we are ready for it. But I am angry. I am jealous of other people that managed to get good grades and move on career wise while dealing with issues like or worse than mine. I am angry that I crashed and burned after graduating, and wasn't able to apply to medical school immediately after like I wanted to. I am angry that change requires capability and the right conditions, not just the desire for it. I am angry that a past version of myself couldn't have just taken the right steps sooner so that I could still be extraordinary for my age, instead of just being ordinary, or even below ordinary.

It stings to think of the "what-ifs" too much, but the me that lived through those experiences gave me the wisdom and grit to be greatful for everything that I have now. I'm trying my best to reframe my past struggles as the reason why I'm here now, moving forward, rather than just proof of things I could've easily avoided. My past self was not someone who failed to change for the better, they were someone who endured until I could get to the point I was ready for change. Instead of being late or behind, I am exactly where I'm meant to be, even if I am technically "behind" based on other people's timelines. I now have a deep sense of appreciation and acceptance for who I am and what I have that I wouldn't have otherwise. I feel so much more self-confident, fuller instead of emptier, and lighter instead of heavier. Even if I was sick, I was never truly a "missing" a piece of being human, therefore there is nothing I need to look for in other people to complete myself. I am currently 23 years old and I feel like this is the first time I’ve actually have been living, my teenage years or my early 20s weren’t the start of my life, this is.

My resolutions for 2025 really just boil down to hopefully continuing the positive momentum that I have going on in my life right now. I want to become a more disciplined person that doesn't allow their emotions to get in the way of getting stuff done, and I've been working on this by making my bed every morning. At face value, it doesn't mean much, but I'm hoping that it'll lead me into making bigger and bolder decisions for my life. Making my bed is an easy enough task to get done regardless of my mood, and it usually sets me up to conquer the other things that I know I need to get done that day. I also want to learn to acknowledge my feelings but not identify with them. I know that this resolution will be more of a lifelong journey rather than something that can just be "completed" in a year, so more tangible sub-resolutions I have are to journal more and incorporate radical acceptance into my life. I think that having a space and time to feel my feelings and then move on rather than letting how I feel drown me will allow me to self regulate better and form more genuine connections with other people. Finally, I want to read more and become disgustingly overeducated. There was a time in my life when I took my access to an education for granted and even saw it as a chore, and I never want to undervalue it again. I always feel better when I'm able to engage with reality through meaningful actions, and in order to do that, I have to be educated enough to do it.

Life is no longer a burden, something to be endured. I am happy to get to live it.

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ Currently... ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Mood: Thoughtful

Weather: Sunny

Current Song on Repeat: "That's So True" by Gracie Abrams

Reading: Mozart : the reign of love by Jan Swafford

Watching: Gilmore Girls Season 3

Playing: Life is Strange: Double Exposure

Drinking: Alani Nu Juicy Peach Energy Drink

Perfume: Yara (Pink Bottle) by Lattafa

One Thing I'm Grateful For: Vitamin D Fruit Gummies

It's been a minute since I've written a "life update" style post for my blog, but it has been for good reason. As I previously mentioned in the introduction of my last media roundup, finals for the spring semester came around quite quickly, and then I immediately started travelling internationally. I visited Dubai and Abu Dahbi in the UAE, various cities in India, and then Singapore. I don't really plan to expand upon my experiences abroad right now in this post itself, because I'd like to dedicate seperate blog posts about each of the places I've visited where I can talk about them in detail, so please look forward to that sometime in December!

The other reason why writing blog posts, doing website updates, or really doing anything that isn't just lying in bed and sleeping has been difficult is my relatively recent thyroid disease revelation. I'm completely okay, and it's nothing actualy life threatening, but the relief I felt when I received the blood test results that confirmed it cannot be understated. From my memory, I've been chronically fatigued since I was 12 years old, which also happens to be the age that my mental health issues started. For a very long time, I've always assumed that my fatigue was just a symptom of my depression, and to be fair, it probably partially was! I wrote about it a bit in a post back in January, but I feel as though my depression and major mental health issues started going into remission after almost an entire decade in 2024, but I was still just always...tired. Although I wasn't living with an overwhelming sense of dread and fear anymore, I still wasn't able to get out of bed a lot of the time to do the things I wanted to do. I used to get scolded by my parents for how much time I spent laying down, and for YEARS I've been making jokes about how my useless secret power is my ability to fall asleep whenever and wherever regardless of how much caffeine I had to drink. Back in early 2023, I used drink the 30-ounce Panera charged lemonades and then proceed to fall asleep soon after! I always knew that this wasn't necessarily something normal, but I honestly just assumed that I was being lazy. In college, I feel like it's really normal to hear people talk about how little sleep they received or about how tired they were, so I just never gave the underlying reason for my exhaustion a second thought. It wasn't really until I started spending an extended amount of time around my parents while travelling that they realized that something was seriously wrong. I think watching me sleep for almost 15 hours straight without waking naturally was the final straw for them. I ended up getting my blood drawn and perscribed the appropriate medication. It's been almost three months since then, and I've....actually been starting to feel better! Things are not perfect of course, and to be honest I've still been adjusting to my new normal. My biggest health related goal right now is to learn how to discern between the need to actually take a power nap to make up for a lower quality of sleep I might've gotten the night before, or just a naturally dip in energy in the middle of the day that a nap will actually make worse.

The biggest thing that I've gained from treatment is my brain functioning again. Since the age of 12, I've felt my ability to think and process information slowly and steadily decline, but again, I just thought it was a matter of me being lazy and depressed rather than something with a physical cause. I just remember life feeling really foggy all the time, and I used to have a lot of trouble retaining and processing things. Now that this isn't really as big of a problem anymore, I've really felt my spark to start learning again come back, and it's been great! I've found myself actually being able to concentrate on things like reading and taking notes now, something that I haven't really been able to do in a long time. I think that the main reason why this didn't really cause me too many problems during undergrad is because so much of that experience for me was online during the peak of the pandemic. With classes being mostly online, a lot of things were open note with flexible deadlines so although I struggled at times, I was still able to get things done and graduate with minimal academic issues. With my capacity to read and focus on other things coming back, I've found myself less inclined to want to watch things anymore. I feel like part of the reason why my Youtube watching obsession started was because it took minimal effort to do. With a few clicks, I was able to have on a 2 hour long essay about something I vaguely interested in while I closed my eyes and laid in bed. However, because I actually have the energy to do more now, I don't really feel satisfied receiving information in this way anymore. Everytime I try to watch something I'm not happy just sitting down to watch it. I start to feel the urge to multitask which results in me doing neither task truly well: I've neither absorbed what the video was talking about, or I was unable to complete the physical task in front of me meaningfully because of the interference from what I was watching. Again, I'm still adjusting to this new normal, but I'm trying to embrace it. A lot of the time, I still feel the need to put on something in the background so that I'm not sitting in complete silence all of the time while focusing on other things, so unfourtunately I've managed to become my own worst enemy: a fan of classical music (LOL). Teenage me would be horrified (I found classical and slow music to be borderline unlistenable, I mostly listened to music that could keep me awake such as hyperpop and glitchcore), but I'm doing my best to embrace my changes in taste as they come. Another thing that I wrote about in the past was how I found it hard to accept changes both externally and internally, but I think that because I'm able to think more clearly it's not as hard to work through as it once was.

Overall, I've just been doing a lot of self work beyond the web to try to understand who I am as a person beyond my illnesses, both mental and physical. I honestly don't see myself creating or updating my main site in a visible way for the time being. I've been working on a slightly new main site structure (more of a Sanguine Royal v2.5 with better site organization rather than a v3 honestly) and rather than rush it, I want to take my time and plan it out properly before coding and launching it. I still plan on interacting with other sites and small communities I'm a part of as well as hopefully come back to blog a bit more regularly though! I've already been chipping away at my Q3 Media Roundup bit by bit. All in all, life feels really good right now. I feel like I'm returning back to myself.

♡

Hello Krish nation! It's been a while since I last wrote in my blog, and I'm back with another media roundup. Pretty soon after I wrote my last blog post, finals season kicked in, I immediately started traveling internationally to visit extended family, and then my health declined and started getting treated for it so I didn't have any time or energy to write any blog posts. I have to admit, it feels good to work on things for my site again after taking a bit of a break! ♡

Not spoiler free!

ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Books, Graphic Novels, Manga and Webcomics

Media that I read this quarter either physically or through audiobooks.

↬ Lil' Dee in Home Free created by Vee Briat: The artstyle remids me a lot of the black and white comics I used to read in the newspaper as a child, so I was visually drawn in immediately. A short but sweet comic about a little creature learning to stand up for itself, and protecting itself the way it protects its loved one.

↬ Chainsaw Man Chapters 1-30 created by Tatsuki Fujimoto: I finally caved and started reading Chainsaw Man. This isn't the first time I've attempted to read this manga, I actually initially attempted back in 2021 after seeing some art of Kobeni, but I ended up giving it up because I couldn't get past some of the sexualization of the women it it. At the time, I didn't know that Denji was actually 17 and a child, so I was able to get through it this time with this lens. Honestly, I'll probably keep reading just for the sake of being able to understand popular animanga memes and references, but this series hasn't really won my heart over yet. I think I'm just someone who prefers girly/shoujo media these days.

↬ Dog Hause Chapters 1-108 by Moowsie: A couple of panels showed up on my Twitter FYP and caught my attention. It is an independent webcomic following the daily life of a dog girl named Maggie. It's four panal comic style makes digesting new comics short and sweet.

↬ Heartstrings Chapters 1-6 by Bev: A piece of art containing the two main characters showed up on my Tumblr feed, and I became intrigued enough to binge all avaliable chapters. I am a sucker for butchfemme / mascfemme sapphic relationships in fiction, and this webcomic feels catered for me specifically. Ro is 100% my type and I am projecting onto Isa so hard.

ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Games

Games that I experienced this quarter either by playing them myself or watching let's players

↬ That's Not My Neighbor developed by Nacho Sama: A game set in 1955, where the job of a doorman is to protect the apartment's residents from dopplegangers. I think part of the reason why I fixated on this game for a while was because it reminds me of one of my favorite games, Papers Please, with less overarching story. I watched ManlyBadAssHero, Gab Smolders, Kubz Scouts, and BlackRose play this.

↬ Home Safety Hotline Created_ by Night Signal Entertainment: An incredibly compelling analog horror. You play as a phone line operator for the titular hotline. The Home Safety Hotline is an organization dedicated to managing supernatural emergencies in the real world, it starts with things like mice and mold but eventually involves creatures like the fae and leprechauns. The voice acting in this game is spectacular, unfourtunately some of the best performances in my opinion are hidden behind wrong answers. I watched Gab Smolders, Kubz Scoutz, and ManlyBadAssHero play this.

↬ Last Seen Online Created by Qwook: Short and sweet. The early windows XP inspired design was fun to see. A fun little brain teaser. I watched Kubz Scoutz play this.

↬ Class of '09 Created by SBN3: A couple of ridiculous soundbites from this game caught my attention from TikTok. I watched a Nyanner's VOD of her playing the game. Class of '09 self describes as "the anti-visual novel" because you play as an anime girl creating chaos in the lives of her suitors. This game genuinely felt like a fever dream. The voice acting is really what sold this game to me, I don't think that many of the jokes and lines would've hit as hard without it. It felt like I was watching an American adult animated comedy without feeling edgy just for the sake of it. It’s very entertaining if you don’t take it seriously and it matches your sense of humor. I was in elementary school in 2009 so I can't speak to the setting's historical accuracy, but it felt really nostalgic somehow.

↬ Class of '09: The Re-Up developed by SBN3: Not quite a remake or sequel to Class of '09, Re-Up is entirely new and unique content. One would benefit from having played the original game first, but they aren't directly connected story wise. There are fewer story paths than the original, but the paths do tend to be longer. I feel like the Re-Up leans into Nicole's sociopathy a bit more, and made her rooting for her harder (not a bad thing, I still enjoyed her as a protagonist!). In the original Nicole is mean and cruel at times, but no more than a normal high school student. Also, this game 100% confirmed to me that Nicole is sapphic. However, while Nicole is better off without any guys, any girls are too good for Nicole unironically.

↬ Friday Night Funkin' Week 8 developed by Funkin' Crew Inc.: I never thought I'd see an update from this game again, LOL. I was so excited to see Nene in game!

↬ Spirit Hunter: Death Mark II developed by Experience: I watched ManlyBadAssHero play the original game back in high school. I found the initial premise really interesting, but if I wasn't watching Gab Smolders play this I probabaly would've lost interest especially towards the end. It's a great sequel that can be played as a standalone game in my opinion. One gripe I had is the entire time I kept worrying it was going to slowfall into a creepy pedo story, and I am glad that it did not even when given The Biggest Chance.

↬ Disorder developed by Stoniedude : I watched ManlyBadassHero play this game. A fun game with interesting word puzzles and atmosphere.

↬ Closer the Distance Demo developed by Osmotic Studios : I watched Materwelonz play this game. Closer the Distance is a slice of life sim that showcases the emotional bonds of family and friends in the face of recent tragedy. I chose to watch because of Welonz's description of the game as a cross between Life is Strange and The Sims. I think that's a pretty accurate description. For a cozy looking game, I really experienced a lot of secondhand anxiety due to all of the overlapping charcter stories and the possibility of missing out on important happens due to The Sims like gameplay. I'm excited for the full game to come out.

ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Movies

Movies that I watched this quarter.

↬ Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022) directed by Halina Reijn: This movie nails the way that Gen Z has evolved to be aware of social issues while still managing to show people's capacity to be selfish. A lot of Gen Z critique tends to be boiled down to "kids are whiny and ungrateful"— it rides the line of critiquing Gen Z while not showing them contempt well. A fun watch, the ending twist was funny to me.

↬ Easy A (2010) directed by Will Gluck: Loved Emma Stone in this. It's not revolutionary by any means, but it was fun! I love that the main character isn't a jackass, but just a regular girl trying to navigate high school and has a great relationship with her family.

↬ I Care a Lot (2020) directed by J Blakeson: I watched this movie with my dad as he suggested it. It's a movie about watching horrible people do horrible things. It's an interesting movie premise, but I hate the direction that they took the movie personally...there's not really anyone you want to root for, but I'll personally always root for the morally dubious lesbian, even if she's a crooked evil guardian that takes advantage of the elderly.

↬ Totally Killer (2023) directed by Nahnatchka Khan: I chose to watch this movie because a couple of clips from it were trending on TikTok, and I had somehow confused it with Bodies Bodies Bodies. When the infamous "Sweet Sixteen Killer" returns 35 years after his first murder spree to claim another victim, 17-year-old Jamie accidentally travels back in time to 1987, determined to stop the killer before he can start. Honestly, I didn't find this movie to be anything special, but I was entertained for two hours.

↬ Family Switch (2023) produced by Jennifer Garner: Saw that it starred Emma Myers, and chose to watch it because I love her. I wasn't expecting anything groundbreaking from this movie other than maybe a silly little comedy examining family bonds, and I did in fact get that. The dog and baby body switch was very funny.

↬ Juno (2007) directed by Jason Reitman: I ended up watching this movie because I somehow confused it to be Unpregnant— needless to say it took me by surprise when Juno ended up keeping her baby! The movie's a bit quirky, but it's done well for it's time I think. I saw Jason Bateman's reveal of being a total creep miles away as an adult, but I wonder if I would've been more surprised if I watched this movie for the first time when I was younger.

↬ Unpregnant (2020) directed by Rachel Lee Goldenberg: This was the movie I was actually looking for when I accidently watched Juno instead. A 17-year old Missouri teen named Veronica discovers she has gotten pregnant, a development that threatens to end her dreams of matriculating at an Ivy League college, and the career that will follow. For what it is, I enjoyed it! I was raised in a culture where abortion is nothing more than a medical procedure, and my grandmother was a gyno who never made abortion a big deal so it's not really a topic that I find sensitive. It's very much a middle of the road teen comedy about friendship.

↬ The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes (2023) directed by Francis Lawrence (Rewatch): I've been wanting to rewatch this movie since first seeing it when it first released because I felt like there was a lot that I missed the first time around. In this prequel a young Coriolanus Snow mentors Lucy Gray Baird in the 10th annual Hunger Games while slowly falling for her. Maybe it's just because I'm not attracted to men, but I cannot understand anyone ever falling for Snow, it feel alien to me. A great backstory for Snow and backdrop to the Hunger Games trilogy though.

↬ Wonka (2023) directed by Paul King: I watched this movie on my flight home from India because I wanted to watch something relatively mindless while on a 14 hour flight. I was a fan of the related books as a child, but it's a children's series so I don't mind that this movie doesn't exactly align with the books. This movie is so unserious in the best way. I feel like they barely advertised that this movie is a musical, and then the opening lines of the movie are a song. I was a big fan of the guy that gagged at the thought of poor people, and the chocolate cartel as a whole? Hilarious. This isn't a movie that I would've watched if I wasn't trapped in a vessel in the sky for a little over half a day, but it's also not a movie I regret watching.

↬ 17 Again (2009) directed by Burr Steers (Rewatch): The first time I watched this movie was when I was in high school, but my memories of it were incredibly hazy. It's a bodyswap movie where a 30 year old Mike gets the chance to redo high school after regretting his decision to marry his pregnant high school girlfriend and throw away his promising basketball career. I am a sucker for movies about the concept of being given the chance to redo things in life, and this movie is an interesting take on it. Amazing message about how although it may be tempting to go back and do things "right", it is still possible to make things right in the life that you currently have. It's not an amazing film by any means, but an easy watch.

↬ My Sister's Keeper (2009) directed by Nick Cassavetes: I read the original book by Picoult back in 2022, and decided to watch this movie on a whim with my dad after he had asked me for reccomendations in general. The story revolves around the main character, Anna, suing her family for medical autonomy after spending the majority of her life as a medical donor for her older sister Kate. Kate has leukemia and Anna was conceived to specifically be a perfect match to donate blood and marrow for her, however Kate's condition has declined so much that she is now in need of a kidney from Anna. It's a really compelling narrative about personal autonomy vs. obligations to others and I love the premise. I went in knowing that the movie changed the ending of the book to have Kate die rather than Anna, so that part wasn't necessarily a shock to me but I wasn't happy with the ending regardless. In the movie, Kate reveals that she wants to die, and that she is the one pushing Anna to sue her parents for medical autonomy. Kate later dies peacefully in the hospital while Anna continues to live her life. I feel like by having Kate die, the main dilemma is bypassed because the character that we have expected all along to die has died. Maybe I'm just fussy because I read the original book and know what Picoult's wishes for the ending were, but my dad seemed content with the ending. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the ending of the original book as well, but I'll save that for another time.

ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Podcasts

Podcasts that I listened to this quarter, whether it be me tuning in weekly or just listening to a singular episode because the topic interested me.

↬ Is it cringe to date my cousin? (w/ Jarvis Johnson & Jordan Adika) | Perfect Person Ep. 99 created by Miles Bonsignore: I chose to watch an episode of this podcast because I heard Jarvis and Jordan raving about their time on it while filming Sad Boyz. The person calling in this episode about their "cousin-dating" drama had my jaw dropping with every bit of new information they added.

↬ Do We Know Them? (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Lily Marston and Jessi Smiles: This podcast is why I know anything about what drama is happening on the internet. I see that a lot of their recent criticism is that they don't cover niche, inconsequential TikTok drama anymore. I'm pretty indifferent towards what they cover, I just like having internet drama covered for me.

↬ Sad Boyz (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Jarvis Johnson and Jordan Adika: Sad Boyz continues to be a source of comfort in my life.

↬ A Bit Fruity with Matt Bernstein (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Matt Bernstein: I don't always watch episodes as soon as they come out, but they are usually about something culturally topical and I enjoy having someone else dissect it for me. I especially enjoyed the episode about Oli London and his right wing grift.

↬ Very Really Good (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Kurtis Conner: I don't have a ton to say about this podcast other than it's easy to put on in the background while I'm doing other stuff.

↬ Just Trish (Bits and Pieces of Episodes Published from April-June) created by Trisha Paytas: I fell into a bit of a rabbithole this month where I found myself listening to a couple of Just Trish's podcast episodes in bits and pieces. I enjoyed some of her episodes that featured guests mostly, but I can't say I particularly care for the way that she covers internet happenings.

↬ Two Hot Takes (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Morgan Absher: My favorite guilt pleasure podcast. I love sticking my nose in business that doesn't involve me, and that I'm able to have Reddit stories curated for me.

↬ The BCC Club (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Sarah Schauer and Kendahl Landreth: I started watching this podcast because I was a fan of Violating Community Guidelines, and this podcast follows a similar formula. I personally prefer the dynamic of Sarah Schauer and Kendahl Landreth much more. Despite me generally enjoying both of their personalities, I don't think that I'll be continuing to tune in every week. They do a good job, but the content they cover doesn't really interest me anymore unfourtunately.

ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Youtube

Youtube videos that left an impact on me in some way, shape, or form that I'd reccommend to others. I put on a lot of Youtube in the background while I am doing other things so it'd be impossible for me to list every video I watched, but these are the ones I have things to say about.

↬ Burn Book: I Fell for Caroline Calloway’s Never-Ending Scam created by D'Angello Wallace: This video was the first time that I had heard of Caroline Calloway. It's UNBELIAVABLE to think that this person is REAL and not a badly written Netflix character. I truly cannot get over how much Calloway referred to herself as an author without having written a single word. I love how every single interviewer looks so fed up with her. I don't blame them, she's incredibly annoying to listen to

↬ I was Scammed by Taylor Swift's Boyfriend created by Kat Blaque: In this video, Kat Blaque recounts the story of how her agency and her were scammed by someone pretending to be Travis Kelce. Not only is it shocking that someone as "experienced" with the internet was tricked by a scammer, it serves as a good example of "dead internet theory". Ultimately, Blaque says that this experience caused her want to return to her roots and start blogging again. I've been aware of the general public's tiredness towards general social media platforms, but it never fails to surprise me when I hear someone who has arguably "made it" on modern day social media express similar thoughts.

↬ The Plague of Food Interviews created by Scott Cramer: I don't really enjoy watching food based interview shows, so I enjoyed learning about why someone might enjoy watching them. The TLDR conclusion is that food is the ultimate social lubricant.

↬ The Try Guys Tell All created by Anthony Padilla: I was a really big Try Guys fan from around 2015ish-2019 while I was in high school. After they formally split from Buzzfeed, it's safe to say I became a more casual watcher. In this video, Keith and Zach talk about their reasoning behind creating a new streaming service for their content, and it ultimately boiled down to the following: YouTube's algorithm is unpredictable, and advertisers can take away their support at any moment. I relate a lot to this sentiment, it's the reason why I created a personal site afterall. I think that it's interesting how much better they handled launching their own streaming platform in comparison to Watcher Entertainment, which only happened a few weeks before this launch.

↬ How the Internet Fell Out of Love With Sia created by Kayla Says: I was a huge Sia fan from 2015-2019ish. Her music honestly meant a lot to me in high school, and This is Acting (+it's deluxe) got me through a lot of things. As a child I think I was enamored by the theatrics Sia would put on with her music, all while hiding her face with giant bows and wigs. Like most other people, I fell off the Sia train in 2020 with the release of her movie Music, and it's ill informed portrayal of autism. The way she reacted to the critism she rightfully earned was what dulled the sparkle her music had for me. This video helped me with reflecting on some of Sia's earlier career with new eyes. I didn't even know that Sia actually released new music May of this year, and I think that speaks volumes as to how her popularity has dwindled.

↬ Alexa Nikolas: The Dark Side of Online Activism created by Square Ruth: A video that caught my interest because of the Quiet on Set documentary. It's upsetting and horrible what happened to Nikolas, activism gets messy when money is involved. Yes, as a survivor, she doesn't owe anyone anything. But she hides behind this whenever she receives legitamate critisim. I think Alexa's voice and message could be powerful, but her making herself the "face" of this movement never completely sat right with me.

↬ Cars are getting dumber created by Drew Gooden: Something I put on in the background while getting ready for the day. I'm not really interested in cars, but I love having more reasons to hate Elon Musk.

↬ I Spent 200 Days Undercover as a Furry created by Anthony Po: I threw this on while shopping at Sam's Club. I was intrigued. When Anthony was willing to get down naked, that's when I knew that he was willing to do anything for whatever his 2026 video will be. It appears I watched this after some party footage was cut out, and honestly for good reason.

↬ I Faked An Alien Invasion In Florida created by Anthony Po: Another video by Anthony. I clicked this video because I initially thought that he was behind the "Miami Mall" incident. I was a little dissappointed to find out that he wasn't, but his entire alien invasion prank was hilarious. He may not have convinced the news outlets that there was an alien invasion, but he convinced Moistcr1tikal that he got a picture with Pedro Pascal, and that alone gets a gold star from me.

↬ Getting Meta with JARVIS JOHNSON created by Anthony Padilla: My favorite online creator is Jarvis Johnson, without a doubt. It's silly and I try not to have parasocial relationships with creators that I enjoy, but I've been watching Johnson since I was a high school senior and it's been really amazing seeing how far he's come.

↬ The History of Blingees created by Izzzyzzz: I feel like I've see Blingees around for as long as I've been on the internet. I never made any myself, but I LOVED them at their peak. Kuleshova's passion for blingees is so adorable and touching, her story was unexpected but I loved hearing about it.

↬ She's a Dangerous Stalker: Fiona Harvey's First Alleged First Victim Speaks to Piers Morgan created by Piers Morgan: I watched this because I found Baby Reindeer a compelling watch, and wanted to learn more about Harvey's first victim. This interview was unintentionally a great sequel to the Netflix series. I am wishing all of Harvey's victims peace during this time.

↬ Dramageddon 2...What Happened? and the SECRETS of dramageddon 2... created by Adam McIntyre: Some videos that I watched to pass time in long car rides during my trip abroad. I don't have a lot to say other than this drama was stupid. It was fun to watch these in a reflective way, but I wouldn't have watched these if I didn't have long trips to burn time on.

↬ The Ozempic Olympics: Hollywood is Ruining Our Health created by D'Angello Wallace: A video essay about the current Ozempic craze and how it's ruining our view on health. I can't say I learned anything new from this video because of the research I've done on Ozempic on my own, but I'm glad that Wallace dedicated some time to discussing how Ozempic is a genuine drug that some people to need to manage their conditions, and that not everyone who takes it is doing so to lose weight.

↬ Judge Steve Harvey Is Still Terrible created by Jarvis Johnson! GOLD a.k.a Jarvis Johnson: I do not care about Steve Harvey. However, I do care about clowning on Harvey when he pretends to be a lawyer. I loved listening to Lolo and Olay's takes on Harvey's court especially.

↬ do creators destroy companies? created by Swell Entertainment: A video by Swell about the effects of negative product reviews on Youtube and whether creators truly have the power to simply tank companies with their influence alone. In my opinion, if a single negative review manages to be enough to bring an entire company down alone, the answer is probably no. Let the records state that I watched this video when it was temporarily titled "Are creators destroy companies".

↬ they're building another titanic created by 2 Danny 2 Furious a.k.a Danny Gonzalez: Billionaires will recreate a tragic historical event before developing a moral compass.

↬ I found out I have ADHD. created by JaidenAnimations: Watched this video as I was falling asleep. Don't think I have ADHD myself, but enjoyed listening a creator I like's perspective of being newly diagnosed with it.

↬ Into The Muppet Joker's Twisted Mind created by STRANGE AOENS: There is nothing that could've prepared me for the contents of the video. I actually put watching this video off because I thought it was just going to be a video about some Muppets drama on tumblr, but it ended up being about some drama that I would've never been able to concoct myself in my wildest dreams. The horse drama of it all?? Unparalelled.

↬ deleting social media to focus on my own life created by aaliyah inspired: A video that I decided to watch to justify my decision to spend less time on social media. I found the creator's perspective interesting because she's a social media creator herself, so if anyone would have a reason to spend more time online it'd be her. A sentiment from this video I really agreed with was feeling overstimulated with all the influences and opinions to where I didn't even know myself anymore.

↬ How Precure Changed Magical Girls Forever created by Hayden the Historian: The Canadian dub of the original Precure franchise was my first anime, and it's a franchise that I hold near and dear to my heart. I kind expected this video to be an analysis of the the characters of Futari Wa, but enjoyed learning about the creators and why they made the particular choices they did while concepting the OG Precure.

↬ I Finally Read Colleen Hoover ... created by SAVY WRITES BOOKS: I only chose to watch this because I had a long car ride and needed something that filled the silence. Hoover sucking as an author isn't new to me as someone who runs adjacent to writing circles. I hate reading trash books but I love listening to educated writers and editors tear apart trash book. I find myself agreeing with Savy that this book could've been more profound if it was advertised as a book about an abusive relationship rather than a romance.

↬ you might not need therapy, just an adult hobby created by Alyxandria Ang: As an adult not currently in therapy, I am always a sucker for things that might help with my mental health that does not have anything to do with spending thousands of dollars to talk to someone. I agreed with a lot of the points in this video! There really is something really cool in giving yourself permission to fail and be bad at something without any pressure. It's made me realize that website development has become my adult hobby, and my mental health has improved a lot since starting this hobby.

↬ is living on a cruise ship the move? created by 2 Danny 2 Furious a.k.a. Danny Gonzalez: Believe it or not, the concept of just...living on a cruise ship is actually something that I've thought about before. Although I didn't ask to have this question answered, I'm happy to learn about why living on a cruise ship might not actually be a good move.

↬ A writer named KIM CHI got caught pretending to be Asian… because she wanted a literary agent created by Withcindy: As an asian person, why anyone would willingly fake being asian is SO beyond me. Is faking one's race ever worth it just to book a literary agent or get a book deal? To what I know, not really! How she thought she'd be able to get away with this is beyond me!

↬ Cursed Old Commercials created by 2 Danny 2 Furious a.k.a. Danny Gonzalez: I don't have a lot to say about this video other than why were old commercials so cursed, LOL.

↬ When Did Conspiracy Theories Get So Crazy? created by Kurtis Conner: Maybe it's just the circles that I run in, but I feel like the topic of conspiracy theories has really made a resurgance in the media recently. A fun video deep diving into a couple of these such theories.

↬ Charli XCX Does Recess Therapy created by Recess Therapy: Recess Therapy as a show always warms my heart, and I was very excited to watch an episode with one of my favorite musicians present! The girl who laughed manically is a true party girl.

↬ Instagram Dog Breeders Need To Stop created by Izzzyzzz: I don't know a lot about dogs and dog breeding (didn't grow up with pets), but I've always loosely been aware of how problematic drog breeders can be. My favorite kinds of videos are ones that go down deep, deep rabbitholes about random things that catch the creator's eye. Hearing about weird alpha-male-ification of the bulldog breed is not something I could've predicted.

↬ A Vtuber Convention Broke Me created by Swell Entertainment: A video where Swell discusses her experiences at a Vtuber convention. Title is kind of clickbait because she was already exhausted, it wasn't the convention itself that broke her.

↬ Smoking is Awesome created by Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell: The clickbait title worked on me. Incredibly cheeky how this video started out sounding so positive, but ended on such a sour note. I'm not a smoker, and will never be a smoker if I can help it, but I found the way this video delivered this PSA incredibly intriguing.

↬ Reviewing Every Mental Illness created by JREG: I clicked this video out of pure curiousity as a psychology degree holder. Obviously this video is not serious at all, sometimes it's good to make fun of how ridiculous and silly some mental illnesses are.

↬ I didn't listen to music for 3 months (a science experiment) created by Lrnjulie: I clicked on this video because in the past I had watched her video I deleted all my social media and made a website. and was interested in this "experiment" from her_. _I personally wouldn't say that I suffer from a music addiction, but I do have a habit of relying on playing Youtube in the background as I do other things. It's something that I've been rotating around in my mind a lot actually— recently I've been becoming aware of the negative impact it's been having on me to divide my attention between something playing in the background and doing something in front of me. It has felt less like entertaining myself while doing mundane tasks and more like avoiding my own thoughts. The things that Lauren said about her mind becoming clearer after a month or two without music really made me want that for myself.

↬ If you can give me 20 minutes of your attention, I'll give you hours back. created by Josh Czuba: After the previously mentioned Lrnjulie video, I was reccomended this one. I have to agree with the top commenter's sentiments of "This video feels like it would be in a movie where all humanity's been possessed by social media and you're the last sane person trying to save the planet". Czuba's words about how we did not choose to live in the most stimulating, overwhelming time of human history ended up meaning a lot to me, and helped me forgive myself for having an internet addiction in the first place. Would 100% reccomend to anyone struggling right now with feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated by the internet.

↬ Nasty Cooking created by Jarvis Johnson GOLD! a.k.a Jarvis Johnson: A "junk food" video that's mostly about ragebait TikTok content. Sometimes it feels great to get mad over something stupid and pointless.

↬ Influencers are Going Broke created by WURLD: Nothing I didn't already know about the reality of influencing, but whenever I feel the itch to quit my current career path and pick up influcing, I watch a video essay about how it's all a scam. My biggest fear in life is a lack of stability in finances, so even if I was an influencer I'd need to have a normal job on the side.

↬ MrBeast's Website Is So Creepy created by Scott Is Struggling a.k.a Scott Cramer: A video about Mr.Beast's website and how Youtube stats work. Really appreciate Cramer's transparency with how things on the analytics side of Youtube work in this one.

↬ Internet Loneliness and Loss of Community created by Shanspeare: A pleasant video essay on how the internet has developed over the years and how it's managed to affect our sense of community. I don't have much to say beyond "the internet both helps and hurts us". There are so many things in my life that would not have been possible without the internet, but at the same time I feel like some of my mental illnesses I had when I was younger wouldn't have been as heighted without the internet.

↬ The Risks of Fast Fame created by Swell Entertainment: Like the title suggests, a video about how fast fame can be dangerous on a person's psyche. Swell primarily uses Chappell Roan's rapid rise to fame as an example for her thesis. Found myself agreeing with a lot she had to say.

↬ Whatever Happened to Profile Customization? created by Randy Moon: A video essay about profile customization and how it's evolved over the years. It's not anything I didn't know already, but I am happy everytime I see a video that talks about it. I just miss when the internet was more diverse than it is now. The more that people talk about how much customization has been taken away from us, the more likely that people are going to take steps to diversify the internet again.

↬ "Personal Style" Discourse! Should We Drop Aesthetic Labels & Micro-Trends? | Internet Analysis created by Tiffany Ferg: A video about personal style and micro trends. The concept of a collective loss of a personal style is so strange to me. Honestly, I think that people need to just get back in touch about what it is they like about the clothing they love. Back when I was more active on social media, I remember the strange dichotomy of wanting to be the most unique while also fitting in with current trends. Realizing that there was no way to win and that I should just wear what I like and curate my wardrobe around that is what finally finally broke me out of the mob mentally of micro trends.

↬ why don't i weigh the same as i did at 16? created by Nicole Rafiee: Something that I've been thinking about a lot lately is why I don't weigh the same as I did at 16. The last time I went to India before this summer was when I was 16 years old, so it's been really hard to avoid comparing the way I look now versus how I looked back then. This video served as a nice reminder that I'm just growing up.

↬ The Real Martha and Richard Gadd's Questionable Past created by Kat Blaque: Another video I clicked on because I enjoyed watching Baby Reindeer. I'm not a fan of how the person coming forward shits on people with cluster B personalities. I don’t think that she needed to pathologize him at all. All that being said, it doesn't excuse Gadd's chaser behavior and the role that he played in this situation.

↬ I Investigated the Frozen Yogurt Craze of 2010 created by Sam Reid: I love frozen yogurt, and honestly I prefer it over ice cream. One of the defining moments of my senior year of high school is when my local favorite frozen yogurt shop became a vape shop. Watching this video felt like healing a wound that I didn't know I had. I predict that in 10ish years we will see videos similar to this one about cookie places such as Crumbl and Insomnia Cookies.

↬ The Freaky Origin of the Limbless Anime Girl | Bad Art History created by scumbagovich: Unironically, this art was one of my favorite reaction images to use when the situation called for it. I am unsurprised that it's origins are less than wholesome. A short but sweet(bitter?) history of the viral image and how it came to be.

↬ The Curious Case Of Caroline Carr | Video Essay created by CalDoesLife: Haven't been active on TikTok for a long time, but one of the creators that I do remember from the time that I was is Caroline Carr. A summary of some of her controveries, doesn't cover everything because I definetly remember some that weren't mentioned in this video, LOL.

↬ The Rise And Fall Of The "Buzzfeed Gay" created by Queen Coke Francis: Yes, I did click this video because of the Chappell Roan reference. I, like many other people my age, used to think that working for Buzzfeed would be the "dream" job. Around the time I first realized that I was sapphic, I remember binge watching a bunch of Buzzfeed videos about queer topics. Interesting analysis of capitalism and how it ruins everything it touches.

↬ I (Politely) Infiltrated A Conservative Dating App created by Queen Coke Francis: A surprisingly wholesome look into a wasteland. I was somewhat familiar with _The Right Stuff before watching this video. _It's fascinating how bigots can be some of the nicest people you meet, as long as you don't identify as one of the minorities that they hate.

↬ I Fact-Checked Roseanne Barr (With Her Own Book) created by Queen Coke Francis: I actually had no idea who Rosanne Barr was before her strange conservative descent. I had no idea that she even had a book out. I could hardly believe how poignant some of the passages from Barr's book were. It just...really shocked me that someone with such endearing takes on womanhood, motherhood, and all other things could write the material that she writes today.

↬ I Watched Every FOX News Stand-Up Special So You Don't Have To created by Queen Coke Francis: Chose to watch this one after watching the previously mentioned Roseanne Barr video. What I got from this video is that comedy needs to figure out a way to stay in the middle. Comedy that panders to a particular political group is cheap and overdone for a quick "hot-take" laugh. A good comic needs to be able to piss everyone off at some point and make people laugh at things they might not necessarily agree with.

↬ performative cleanliness & the hygiene olympics created by WURLD: Ive always been a bit insecure about my hygeine habits, and the hygeine olympics playing out on social media right now certainly has not helped. As a person paranoid about their hygeine habits, I think the main issue I have about this whole debate is that people assume that your state of cleanliness says something about you as a person. In reality, it's a temporary state of being and people shouldn't be given a value judgement based on that. I will be considering watching Shanspeare's The Downfall of "Anti-hygeine" Influencers later.

ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Misc. Media

Miscellaneous things I consumed this quarter that I want to log and share that don't fit in any other category. Includes but is not limited to: documentaries, short comics, essays, and articles.

↬ Brandy Hellville & the Cult of Fast Fashion directed by Eva Orner: Watched this because I saw people online talking about it. To be honest, I can't say that I learned anything new— growing up I was always too big to fit into Brandy clothes, so the store has always kind of been on my shitlist. I'm very rarely a hater but I love being a justified hater. I'm happy to have some facts and a documentary to point back to my hatred.

↬ Lead Balloon by Stillindigo: It's been a while since I've felt suicidal, and even longer since I last seriously made plans. But thinking back to the time of my life I was, this comic was extremely relatable. At the time, suicide really did feel like this: a lead balloon. Heavy but always there.

↬ Maintenance created by Crvptozoology: In this short comic, Bravely addresses the question, "what if a robot liked it (in a sexual way) when their creator performed upkeep on them and they were both girls???". I really loved the way intimacy is depicted in a non-conventional way. The robot recognizing what they felt as a "bug" but not wanting said "bug" fixed is really sweet.

↬ A Short Comic by Meowzanin33: A short comic on colorism and accepting your culture and appearance. Hit close to home as a darker-skinned Indian.

↬ Lesbian Grief by thehideoutt: I related to this short comic a lot. I first started identifying as bisexual when I was 13 and realized I like women, but reidentified as a lesbian when I was 16 and realized I had no interest in men at all. I don't relate to the idea of losing my purpose as a woman by accepting my sexuality, but I have had to grieve things in my life due to my sexuality. Rather than grieving for myself, I grieve the loss of the future my parents wanted for me.

↬ What Fanfiction Reveals About Society written by Daughter of Bilitis: Impulsive read while I was in the salon waiting for my mom to finish a mani/pedi. I honestly wasn't born with the "fangirl" gene; my last serious "fandoms" were MLP:FiM, the Dangan Ronpa franchise, and Steven Universe until I was about 16. I've never really felt inclined to consume fanwork of media I'm interested in unless it was fan art, so I never related to people who were into reading fanfiction. There's nothing wrong with it of course, just not my thing! Because of this, I found an analysis of what fanfiction reveals about society really intriguing because it's honestly a world completely foreign to me.

↬ Influenced created by Soph: A good representation of how social media contributes to fast fashion and consumerism. It's embarassing for current me to admit, but when I was in high school, I was a "niche internet microcelebrity". I spent a lot of time thinking about how to continue growing my platform and becoming popular enough that I could escape (what I perceived as) my mundane reality and live a life of fame and popularity. Thankfully I never shopped my way into any kind of debt to build a new wardrobe, but throughout those years I was mentally stripping myself of any kind of individuality I had, and I felt this idea represented within this short film. I see a lot of comments compare he creator's art style to Vewn.

↬ Ms. Mae's Doctors Office | Digital Horror Short created by Inky: A short film inspired by those really weird girlsgogames doctor flash games and Lacey's Wardrobe. I liked the art style a lot, and the shift from a "toony" artstyle to a more "realistic" artstyle when things start to get serious. An interesting representation of how doctors feel when dealing with child abuse care.