Krish(na) ● They/Them ● ↑20

aries sun, aquarius moon, libra rising

︵‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵‿︵

Hello! My name is Krish, and this is my personal blog. You can read a little bit more about me and my blog here. I also have a personal site that has more about me if you care for it.

Cliques, Listings, and Webrings Under the Cut

Recharging (Like a Battery)

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ Currently... ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Mood: Tense

Weather: Windy

Listening to: Traumatic Livelihood by Jazmin Bean (+ her entire debut album)

Reading: The Premed Playbook Guide to the Medical School Personal Statement: Everything You Need to Successfully Apply by Ryan Gray

Watching: My anatomy lectures....

Playing: A Short Hike

Drinking: Iced Vanilla and Brown Sugar Latte

Perfume: "Fireside Flurries" by Bath and Body Works

It feels like there's something in the air— a lot of the people around me both in person and online have either been talking about or actively have been withdrawing from socializing as of lately. I can't even be mad, because I've been feeling similarly! I deactivated my Neocities profile for like two days, but as of posting this have reactivated it. I don't want people to feel like they can't keep up with my site updates if they don't use RSS. I have just accepted that I won't have the energy to actively check my Neocities feed for a while, even if I plan on continuing to write blog posts and updating my site. If people decide to unfollow me/unmutual me over this it's whatever. I used uBlock origin's element zapper to hide my Neocities profile's views/follow count a long time ago.

Despite the seemingly social nature of blogging and maintaining a website, I actually see it as a very solitary activity. The point of the World Wide Web is for people to come across other's sites and thoughts, yes. Despite this, to be completely honest, I don't necessarily desire an audience for my blog. Something that I've personally been working on these past few years is relying less and less on external influences in dictating what I do and enjoy. I see maintaining a website and blogging as mediums for expressing myself, not necessarily as a way to socialize with other people. I think that having multiple ways of expressing yourself is important! I use this one to talk about my life in a casual way as if I were catching a friend up on the happenings of my life, without the pressures of maintaining an actual conversation. I find it really therapeutic to make it part of my routine to reflect on my life using blog posts as my medium about every two weeks. I indulge in the fantasy of being perceived alongside the awareness that nobody could be reading this, or caring at all.

Part of the reason why I feel the intense need to be alone is to recharge and figure out who I am again. A few weeks ago a video called "I deleted all my social media and made a website" by lrnjulie showed up on my Youtube recommend. Part of the reason why I chose to watch it was because I wanted to hear about the perspective of shifting over to a personal site over social media from someone who wasn't swayed to make a personal site by exploring Neocities. In it she says "...are we overconsuming inspiration from social media? I think we are because of how social media apps are designed to keep us on there looking for inspiration for way longer than we actually spend creating art. It's like an inspiration overload so none of them really stick and we're not even getting proper time to reflect on them and actually incorporate them into our art". This quote in particular was about art and social media, but I felt it resonate in my soul about my life in general. I'm the type of person who doesn't say no to things, as a result I feel like I've been spending a lot of time doing a lot of things I am lukewarm about instead of doing things that I enjoy. I've felt like I've been spending too much time exploring other people's sites for inspiration rather than working on my own. I feel like I've been spending too much time listening to other people's music recommendations rather than organically discovering what I like. I feel like I've been spending too much time looking at other people's art for inspiration rather than creating my own. I chose to disconnect from social media feeds because I felt exhausted by the need to keep up with other people, yet I keep playing "keeping up with the Jones'" in other aspects of my life. I want to break the cycle. When I think back to my happiest days as a young child, it was because I chose to let my natural curiosity take me where I needed to go, both online and offline. I want to experience life like that again, and for the better or worse it means it means I have to disconnect for a bit.

In regards to life happenings, I had the privilege to run into a friend on campus that hasn't texted me back for about 2 months. One of the rules that I live by is "I don't chase, I attract", so I let myself trust that she'd text me back whenever she was ready. I chose correctly. She looked happy to see me, and apologized for not texting back. She didn't go into details about anything in particular about her life other than mentioning having the worst semester of her life. I didn't want to prod too much if she wasn't going to share organically, so I just let it be. We hung out for an hour just talking. We didn't do much of anything other than that, but I was just happy to know that she was at least okay and in one piece. I have no idea when I'll see or hear from her again, but it was good to have tangible proof that there were no hard feelings between us or anything of the sort. Like I mentioned earlier in this post, sometimes we just need to spend time by ourselves recharging, and that's more than okay.

More Than Throwing a Rock Into a Pond and Watching It Sink to the Bottom

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ Currently... ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Mood: Determined

Weather: Sunny with High Winds

Listening to: 777 Pt. 1 by Latto

Reading: The Premed Playbook Guide to the Medical School Personal Statement: Everything You Need to Successfully Apply by Ryan Gray

Watching: Fresh Pretty Cure!

Playing: Thirsty Suitors

Drinking: Iced Lavender Matcha Latte

Perfume: "Heavenly" by Victoria Secret

It's been abnormally warm where I live for February! It's felt really strange. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy the warm weather and all the sun we've been getting, but I haven't been able to shake off the feeling that it doesn't feel right. There hasn't been solid snow on the ground other than once that quickly melted away back in January, meanwhile Winter Storm Lorraine is absolutely dumping snow in the northeast! Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who loves winter. I genuinely don't care for the snow or cold, but I'm also someone who thrives on routine and repetition. It feels wrong for it not to be cold outside outside in February! I'm sad that I haven't had the opportunity to wear all my cute sweaters as often as I'd have liked to! I'm sad that I haven't had the opportunity to drink all the warm beverages I've wanted to! I'm sad that I haven't had the opportunity to wear all the fragrances that I think are best suited for cold weather as often!

Speaking of fragrances, I received my first "you smell good" compliment today! I sprayed some Victoria Secret "Heavenly" body mist on myself this morning to freshen up before going to lab this morning. I was really surprised when a girl waiting for the elevator with me exclaimed that I smelt good, especially for a scent that I considered to be "cheap"! I've been slowly but surely getting into fragrances as of lately, despite me never having cared about the subject before. The extent of my experience with it until last fall was just whatever scented body creams I'd buy from Bath and Bodyworks during their semi annual sales, but even then I'd always been somewhat aware of the positive effects on mood, stress reduction, sleep enhancement, and self-confidence fragrance can have. Last fall, I suddenly had a bunch of friends become interested in fragrance and I got pulled down the Rabbit Hole with them. I even have a perfume/fragrance shrine that I've been working on locally because of my newfound interest, though it'll definitely be a while until I make it public. Unlike my friends though, I honestly only wear cheap body sprays/perfumes. Sharing my faves sometimes gets a little embarassing when they're raving about $200 to $300 luxury perfumes, but I'm sure that it's a feeling that I'll get over eventually. I remember when I was first getting into makeup I felt like I had to own prestige/luxury makeup products for my make up to be "good", but I can confidently say years later that I don't feel that way anymore. Maybe drugstore brands have just upped their game since I started doing my makeup, but either way I have no desire to purchase expensive products. I have a Dior lip oil that a friend of mine gifted me that I use so sparingly because of how expensive I think it is, meanwhile I have zero problems reaching for and using my ELF lip oils on a regular basis. I just don't feel good using expensive products, and I've embraced that as part of who I am, LOL. In my opinion, I don't really think that it's necessarily the price or brand of products that matters, but whether or not someone gets good use out of them. I don't have the disposable income to have a lot of luxury goods, go to the salon regularly, or buy my morning coffee everyday from local cafes, but I really am okay with that! In the future I'm going to remember that I spent time on myself by applying a nice scent to set my mood for the day, painting my nails because I like having nails my nails done, and making myself tasty homemade flavored coffees and teas. All that being said, I am interested to see if my perspective on any of this shifts when I finally have my first "real" adult job as a (fingers crossed) doctor or healthcare worker that actually pays more than just peanuts. It's weird knowing that I chose a career path with an average debt of over $200,000, so I know that becoming rich won't be happening anytime soon, LOL. Maybe it's for the best I don't have expensive taste.

Out of nowhere, I got a text from an old acquaintance asking me about an old research paper I published almost 3 years ago regarding healthcare equity in the United States. Despite me and this acquaintance not being super close or texting often, I've always felt super warm towards her. Regardless, getting texts from her about a paper I authored in my childhood bedroom at 19 out of the blue was super jarring! To be honest, I don't really see the paper that I wrote or research methods as super groundbreaking, I actually kind of forgot about it until she brought it up because of how long ago it was for me. It turns out that a class she's currently taking for her degree has been using it in class and she recognized my name as it's author! She texted me very excitedly that they are learning about me in class. I find this both flattering and absolutely terrifying. I'm often in my own little bubble with my blinders on, so I really do forget that the things I do and accomplish are capable of ripple effects, even if it just feels like throwing a rock into a pond and watching it sink to the bottom. It was a good reminder that nothing I contribute to this world is truly in a vacuum, whether it be my research, my website, or my actions.

More Happy than Not

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ Currently... ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Mood: Peaceful

Weather: Cloudy

Listening to: Waiting Room by Sabrina Carpenter

Reading: The Premed Playbook Guide to the Medical School Personal Statement: Everything You Need to Successfully Apply by Ryan Gray

Watching: Yellowjackets Season 2

Playing: Cyberpunk 2099

Drinking: Warm English Breakfast Tea

Perfume: "Into the Night" by Bath and Body Works

Happy 2024!

It's been a little over a year since I started existing on the personal web as "Sanguine Royal", (I believe I started December 23rd) and it's been a little strange to think about how much I've changed in the past year alone. When I wrote my first blog post, I was sad, lost and burnt out on life. I had spent the last 3.5 years of my life in a perpetual state of anxiety over my future and it was exhausting. I remember there were weeks where I wasn't able to brush my teeth, take a shower, or eat. That all feels very foreign to me now.

These days I don't feel that way. I can't pinpoint it to an exact turning point, but I don't wake up with an overwhelming feeling of dread anymore. I've dealt with some level of suicidal ideation since I was 12 years old, so sitting here at 22 at realizing I don't want to die anymore even passively feels incredibly freeing. I guess I've done a lot more self work over the past year than I thought I've done.

The biggest change I've noticed in myself is I don't let the world define who I am anymore. I spent most of 2023 self isolating and hikikomori-esque out of embarrassent. People expected me to be happy after graduating undergrad, but I felt like such a fraud. On the outside, it looked like I was a hard worker, but in reality I was dealing with a lot of unresolved trauma and wasn't performing as well as I liked to in school. To be honest, I think I'm the type of person that would've really benefitted from not jumping from high school to college right away, but because my parents were helping me finance college, I didn't really have much say in the matter. All I knew at the time was school, so I just keep overloading myself and my schedule as a distraction to avoid thinking about my life. When I started to not be able to juggle all of the responsibilities I'd put on myself, I'd crumble and spiral into self hatred. I never let myself do things for fun, or explore things that I liked.

By unintentionally isolating myself for a year, I took away the world's ability to define who I am for me. Ever since I was young, all I've ever wanted was to be seen as "good", and I think something in me broke gradually over the years as it became harder and harder to be universally "good". I wanted to be seen as "pretty", but as a brown kid in a primarily white area I was not seen as stereotypically attractive. I wanted to be able love women as a lesbian and not have it not be seen as weird, but the only "good" sexuality is being heterosexual and attracted to men. I wanted to be seen as an American in the country I've called home for over a decade, but people only see me as my legal status. The way I saw myself and the way that the outside world saw me were two different things, and it only extrapolated my depression.

I was forced to spend a lot of time with just myself this past year, and I've slowly learned to love and accept myself for who I am. There's nothing wrong with me, and there was never anything wrong with me in the first place. I feel so sorry for my past self who was pretending to be someone they were not, but also very proud of them for working to carve a space for myself online to express myself unfiltered and unafraid. I indulge in the fantasy of being perceived alongside the awareness that nobody could be reading this, or caring at all. In the past, anything I did only mattered if people were able to see and acknowledge it. I don't feel that way anymore.

I decided to start treating myself with the same amount of respect that I would've treated another person. It took a lot of work at first, but with time it started to come to me naturally. I look into the mirror and I think I look beautiful. I look at everything I've accomplished and think I'm very talented. I think about the dreams I have for my future and think that they're wonderful. I don't view loving things as a weakness anymore, and see my personality as a "certified lovergirl" as beautiful thing and one of my biggest strengths.

There's nothing about my life that's significantly changed or become tangibly better— I'm a 22 year old attending a local community college taking classes alongside high schoolers. I still live with my parents. I still can't drive. I still deal with the same bullshit from USCIS on a monthly basis. But I'm happy.

I've developed a love for the little things in my life that make my life mine. My makeup routine of just mascara, blush, and lip oil that doesn't really change the way I look but makes me feel more confident. The little coffees I've learned to make for myself with care. The way I match perfumes to my outfits, even though nobody else probably notices. But I know, and I notice!

Though all my thick and thin, I've always been there for myself. I've seen my own worst and ugly moments, yet I keep choosing to take care of myself. When I was about to die, I reached out for help even though I really didn't want. I don't deprive my body of the food and sleep it needs. I exercise because I feel good afterwards. Even if nobody else sees me, I see me. And I refuse to give up on myself. I have to much potential and heart to give up on life now. I'm so happy and grateful that my life didn't end at 16, 18, or 21.

The skies where I am have been mostly gray, but instead of feeling gloomy, it's been feeling peaceful and calm. I don't particularly enjoy my precalculus class, but I'm able to sit down and know that I'm capable of learning it if I put my mind to it. There is no longer an ache in my soul that I'm not where I'm supposed to be in life and that I'm behind. The future feels full of hope and possibilities. I am on nobody's timeline except for my own.

Changing How I Interact With the Internet

CW: Potential Needy Streamer Overload spoilers in the first paragraph. Just skip paragraph one and you won't miss out on anything.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I interact with the internet lately. I played the game Needy Steamer Overload back in early April, and without going into spoilers or contents of the actual game, a lot of the game’s messages have really stuck with me. I was 21 and actively on my road to recovery, but I can imagine the game would’ve affected me a lot more if I had the ability to play it when I was 16 (the age at which I consider my mental problems to be at their worst). Even as a 21 year old, I saw a lot of the “worst” parts of myself in Ame. As the player, it was incredibly difficult for me to watch Ame take small and meaningful steps towards her self healing while actively undermining those efforts by seeking out validation through popularity on the internet. It was the first time I was able to see my own mindset from an outside point of view. I’ve never wanted to be a popular streamer, but for a very long time I placed a lot of my inherent self worth and value on how much I was liked by others and how “popular” I was, regardless of in real life or the internet. As a result, I never really developed my own interests or identity until I more recently actively made an effort to. Arguably, the best endings for Ame are the ones where she curates how she uses the internet and actively chooses to take her life into her own hands. I want to do the same for myself. I’ve wanted to “get better” for a very long time, but I never actually took the steps necessary for myself to actually do it, and for me that also includes evaluating how I use the internet.

I have a very particular way that I enjoy expressing myself, and not many platforms lend themselves well to it. I particularly don’t really enjoy microblogging or reading other people’s microblogs. Less polished erratic thoughts are better suited in my personal diary or in group chats with my friends. I don’t really know how to explain this aspect of myself. I used to think that there was something very wrong with me for not having a life interesting enough to post or tweet about frequently. I’m not a very interesting person in terms of my day to day life. I eat two pieces of toast every morning with Philadelphia Cream Cheese (I alternate between chive and onion, garden vegetable, garlic and herb, and jalapeno cream cheese). I go to class and study different flavors of biological sciences. My outfits aren’t always cute enough to post, and I frequently rewear pieces (what is the point of purchasing something without the intent of wearing it more than once?). I’m not always engrossed in a fandom enough to consistently post about it. I’m not the type of person to enjoy having my messier incoherent thought blurts to be on the internet for anyone to see. And I’m realizing that it’s okay if I don’t use the internet in ways that it’s “popular” to be used these days. My life is not for other people’s consumption. My life is for me to live.

I could expand and theorize why I developed the mindset that I need to be easy to consume and digest by other people in the first place, but I think that’s better suited to its own blog post. That being said, ever since I moved to the United States when I was 8 years old, I’ve always felt an intense pressure to assimilate and fit in. I was unable to ever completely “fit in” as a brown immigrant on a visa in a wealthy white neighborhood, so I think I took to the internet to fill in the void of acceptance that I was never able to find in real life.

In the past, I lacked the insight that I have now about what aspects of the internet I like and dislike. I used to make quitting social media and “the internet” as a whole my eventual goal, but I don’t think that’s a tangible or necessary goal for myself anymore. I have a lot of niche identities that I’m unable to express in real life that I’m able to freely explore on the internet. My interests aren’t ones that are easy to connect with other people in person over, but I don’t exactly feel like myself when I give up these interests. I keep in contact with a lot of my friends through apps like Line and Discord, and many public figures that I’d like to keep up with post updates on their social media. I just don’t enjoy knowing what my friends are up to at every moment of the day. We as people were not made to be contactable any moment of the day on any platform. With this knowledge, I plan on reevaluating how I use the internet.

I don’t enjoy social media beyond using it to catch up on occasional news about topics I enjoy. I've had a private twitter account since about 2017 under the pretense of using it as a de facto diary to sort out my thoughts, but I realize that knowing people follow me there has made me filter my thoughts quite a bit. Although many of my followers on that account I’ve known since 2016, I don’t talk to many of them enough on a day to day basis enough for me to consider them truly friends. I can never NOT filter my thoughts there because I don’t want to be that annoying person on their tl. I feel like I need to be entertaining enough to be kept around when I don’t even like microblogging my life that much in the first place. As of writing this, I plan on sunsetting the use of that account. When I was younger, I was extremely uncomfortable with who I was as a person, and depended on other people’s validation to know that I “existed”. I don’t feel this way anymore. If I have thoughts that I need to blurt out, writing it for myself in my personal diary where only I will ever see it is enough for me to process whatever I’m feeling.

In addition, I’ve always felt a weird pressure that in order to be a real fan of something, I have to be up to date on every single thing a creator or personality says or does on any platform. I don’t want to feed into this anymore. I’ve made an alternative twitter account where I don’t plan on tweeting anything myself, but only follow artists/musicians/authors/game devs etc. I want to keep up with. No friends or fan accounts. I chose twitter despite my general distaste for the platform because of the ability to turn off retweets on individual accounts, and how much people still use the platform to post quick updates. I want to know when artists I like post new art, or musicians release new music! I still plan on having social media accounts for my art and projects, but I don’t plan on ever scrolling the feeds of those accounts. I don’t want to spend my life scrolling feed after feed. My reasoning behind crossposting my creations on various social medias is for exposure reasons. I don’t expect to ever truly grow a following on any of them, but I like the ability of people being able to keep up with me on their preferred platform of choice if they so choose.

I have found that I feel most fulfilled with my internet usage when I am either a) Directly chatting with people on Discord whether it is 1-on-1, group chats, or servers or b) reading long-form content like blogs/articles or exploring people’s websites. I want to capitalize on this aspect of myself. Until I started a personal site myself, I foolishly thought that blogs and personal sites were dead, but I now realize that I couldn’t be more wrong. I want to spend my free time doing things on the internet that I enjoy! When I think back to when I was 7-11 years old with almost no negative feelings about the internet, most of my time was spent exploring websites, forums and reading blog posts (and watching magical girl anime split up into 3 parts on youtube…). I want to go back to this feeling. I’d rather let out my messier blurts in smaller spaces where I can actively grow relationships instead of just vaguely microblogging to the void. I want to change how I use the internet to discover smaller artists and game devs and be able to support their work. As a small artist and game dev myself, I know how meaningful even a passing comment can be. I want to use some of the time I’d normally use scrolling a feed to leave comments on pieces of work that I like. I want to use some of the time I’d normally use scrolling a feed to continue developing my own projects more. I want to use some of the time I’d normally use scrolling a feed to just be more mindful of my own life.

My inability to adapt my thoughts and creations into different media formats used to make me feel bad about myself, but I’ve come around to the idea that it’s not a personal flaw. It’s just how I am. These days the most important things to me are my mental and physical health, even more important to me than being seen as “following proper internet etiquette” fitting in or being popular with people. I want to live my life to the fullest, even if it’s not a life that’d be easily understood or admired by other people.