Archive of

Recharging (Like a Battery)

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ Currently... ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Mood: Tense

Weather: Windy

Listening to: Traumatic Livelihood by Jazmin Bean (+ her entire debut album)

Reading: The Premed Playbook Guide to the Medical School Personal Statement: Everything You Need to Successfully Apply by Ryan Gray

Watching: My anatomy lectures....

Playing: A Short Hike

Drinking: Iced Vanilla and Brown Sugar Latte

Perfume: "Fireside Flurries" by Bath and Body Works

It feels like there's something in the air— a lot of the people around me both in person and online have either been talking about or actively have been withdrawing from socializing as of lately. I can't even be mad, because I've been feeling similarly! I deactivated my Neocities profile for like two days, but as of posting this have reactivated it. I don't want people to feel like they can't keep up with my site updates if they don't use RSS. I have just accepted that I won't have the energy to actively check my Neocities feed for a while, even if I plan on continuing to write blog posts and updating my site. If people decide to unfollow me/unmutual me over this it's whatever. I used uBlock origin's element zapper to hide my Neocities profile's views/follow count a long time ago.

Despite the seemingly social nature of blogging and maintaining a website, I actually see it as a very solitary activity. The point of the World Wide Web is for people to come across other's sites and thoughts, yes. Despite this, to be completely honest, I don't necessarily desire an audience for my blog. Something that I've personally been working on these past few years is relying less and less on external influences in dictating what I do and enjoy. I see maintaining a website and blogging as mediums for expressing myself, not necessarily as a way to socialize with other people. I think that having multiple ways of expressing yourself is important! I use this one to talk about my life in a casual way as if I were catching a friend up on the happenings of my life, without the pressures of maintaining an actual conversation. I find it really therapeutic to make it part of my routine to reflect on my life using blog posts as my medium about every two weeks. I indulge in the fantasy of being perceived alongside the awareness that nobody could be reading this, or caring at all.

Part of the reason why I feel the intense need to be alone is to recharge and figure out who I am again. A few weeks ago a video called "I deleted all my social media and made a website" by lrnjulie showed up on my Youtube recommend. Part of the reason why I chose to watch it was because I wanted to hear about the perspective of shifting over to a personal site over social media from someone who wasn't swayed to make a personal site by exploring Neocities. In it she says "...are we overconsuming inspiration from social media? I think we are because of how social media apps are designed to keep us on there looking for inspiration for way longer than we actually spend creating art. It's like an inspiration overload so none of them really stick and we're not even getting proper time to reflect on them and actually incorporate them into our art". This quote in particular was about art and social media, but I felt it resonate in my soul about my life in general. I'm the type of person who doesn't say no to things, as a result I feel like I've been spending a lot of time doing a lot of things I am lukewarm about instead of doing things that I enjoy. I've felt like I've been spending too much time exploring other people's sites for inspiration rather than working on my own. I feel like I've been spending too much time listening to other people's music recommendations rather than organically discovering what I like. I feel like I've been spending too much time looking at other people's art for inspiration rather than creating my own. I chose to disconnect from social media feeds because I felt exhausted by the need to keep up with other people, yet I keep playing "keeping up with the Jones'" in other aspects of my life. I want to break the cycle. When I think back to my happiest days as a young child, it was because I chose to let my natural curiosity take me where I needed to go, both online and offline. I want to experience life like that again, and for the better or worse it means it means I have to disconnect for a bit.

In regards to life happenings, I had the privilege to run into a friend on campus that hasn't texted me back for about 2 months. One of the rules that I live by is "I don't chase, I attract", so I let myself trust that she'd text me back whenever she was ready. I chose correctly. She looked happy to see me, and apologized for not texting back. She didn't go into details about anything in particular about her life other than mentioning having the worst semester of her life. I didn't want to prod too much if she wasn't going to share organically, so I just let it be. We hung out for an hour just talking. We didn't do much of anything other than that, but I was just happy to know that she was at least okay and in one piece. I have no idea when I'll see or hear from her again, but it was good to have tangible proof that there were no hard feelings between us or anything of the sort. Like I mentioned earlier in this post, sometimes we just need to spend time by ourselves recharging, and that's more than okay.

More Than Throwing a Rock Into a Pond and Watching It Sink to the Bottom

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ Currently... ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

Mood: Determined

Weather: Sunny with High Winds

Listening to: 777 Pt. 1 by Latto

Reading: The Premed Playbook Guide to the Medical School Personal Statement: Everything You Need to Successfully Apply by Ryan Gray

Watching: Fresh Pretty Cure!

Playing: Thirsty Suitors

Drinking: Iced Lavender Matcha Latte

Perfume: "Heavenly" by Victoria Secret

It's been abnormally warm where I live for February! It's felt really strange. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy the warm weather and all the sun we've been getting, but I haven't been able to shake off the feeling that it doesn't feel right. There hasn't been solid snow on the ground other than once that quickly melted away back in January, meanwhile Winter Storm Lorraine is absolutely dumping snow in the northeast! Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who loves winter. I genuinely don't care for the snow or cold, but I'm also someone who thrives on routine and repetition. It feels wrong for it not to be cold outside outside in February! I'm sad that I haven't had the opportunity to wear all my cute sweaters as often as I'd have liked to! I'm sad that I haven't had the opportunity to drink all the warm beverages I've wanted to! I'm sad that I haven't had the opportunity to wear all the fragrances that I think are best suited for cold weather as often!

Speaking of fragrances, I received my first "you smell good" compliment today! I sprayed some Victoria Secret "Heavenly" body mist on myself this morning to freshen up before going to lab this morning. I was really surprised when a girl waiting for the elevator with me exclaimed that I smelt good, especially for a scent that I considered to be "cheap"! I've been slowly but surely getting into fragrances as of lately, despite me never having cared about the subject before. The extent of my experience with it until last fall was just whatever scented body creams I'd buy from Bath and Bodyworks during their semi annual sales, but even then I'd always been somewhat aware of the positive effects on mood, stress reduction, sleep enhancement, and self-confidence fragrance can have. Last fall, I suddenly had a bunch of friends become interested in fragrance and I got pulled down the Rabbit Hole with them. I even have a perfume/fragrance shrine that I've been working on locally because of my newfound interest, though it'll definitely be a while until I make it public. Unlike my friends though, I honestly only wear cheap body sprays/perfumes. Sharing my faves sometimes gets a little embarassing when they're raving about $200 to $300 luxury perfumes, but I'm sure that it's a feeling that I'll get over eventually. I remember when I was first getting into makeup I felt like I had to own prestige/luxury makeup products for my make up to be "good", but I can confidently say years later that I don't feel that way anymore. Maybe drugstore brands have just upped their game since I started doing my makeup, but either way I have no desire to purchase expensive products. I have a Dior lip oil that a friend of mine gifted me that I use so sparingly because of how expensive I think it is, meanwhile I have zero problems reaching for and using my ELF lip oils on a regular basis. I just don't feel good using expensive products, and I've embraced that as part of who I am, LOL. In my opinion, I don't really think that it's necessarily the price or brand of products that matters, but whether or not someone gets good use out of them. I don't have the disposable income to have a lot of luxury goods, go to the salon regularly, or buy my morning coffee everyday from local cafes, but I really am okay with that! In the future I'm going to remember that I spent time on myself by applying a nice scent to set my mood for the day, painting my nails because I like having nails my nails done, and making myself tasty homemade flavored coffees and teas. All that being said, I am interested to see if my perspective on any of this shifts when I finally have my first "real" adult job as a (fingers crossed) doctor or healthcare worker that actually pays more than just peanuts. It's weird knowing that I chose a career path with an average debt of over $200,000, so I know that becoming rich won't be happening anytime soon, LOL. Maybe it's for the best I don't have expensive taste.

Out of nowhere, I got a text from an old acquaintance asking me about an old research paper I published almost 3 years ago regarding healthcare equity in the United States. Despite me and this acquaintance not being super close or texting often, I've always felt super warm towards her. Regardless, getting texts from her about a paper I authored in my childhood bedroom at 19 out of the blue was super jarring! To be honest, I don't really see the paper that I wrote or research methods as super groundbreaking, I actually kind of forgot about it until she brought it up because of how long ago it was for me. It turns out that a class she's currently taking for her degree has been using it in class and she recognized my name as it's author! She texted me very excitedly that they are learning about me in class. I find this both flattering and absolutely terrifying. I'm often in my own little bubble with my blinders on, so I really do forget that the things I do and accomplish are capable of ripple effects, even if it just feels like throwing a rock into a pond and watching it sink to the bottom. It was a good reminder that nothing I contribute to this world is truly in a vacuum, whether it be my research, my website, or my actions.