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Permanent link to “Hello! My name is Krish, and this is my blog. My personal site has more...”
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Changing How I...
CW: Potential Needy Streamer Overload spoilers in the first paragraph. Just skip paragraph one and you won't miss out on anything. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I interact with the internet lately. I played the game Needy Steamer Overload back in early April, and without going into spoilers or contents of the actual game, a lot of the game’s messages have really stuck with me. I was 21 and actively on my road to recovery, but I can imagine the game would’ve affected me a lot more if I had the ability to play it when I was 16 (the age at which I consider my mental problems to be at their worst). Even as a 21 year old, I saw a lot of the “worst” parts of myself in Ame. As the player, it was incredibly difficult for me to watch Ame take small and meaningful steps towards her self healing while actively undermining those efforts by seeking out validation through popularity on the internet. It was the first time I was able to see my own mindset from an outside point of view. I’ve...
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I'm Like Barbie...
CW: Potential Barbie (2023) spoilers, Brief Suicide Attempt Ment (Not Graphic) Last Halloween, my most recent ex and I dressed up as Barbie and Ken. We’d only been dating for about a year and a half at that point, and call me delusional but I had really thought that we were going to make it as a couple. When we first met, I was easily at the lowest point in my life I’ve ever been thus far. I was still recovering from the effects and memories of a recent suicide attempt in the middle of a global pandemic. I was attending the only college that I could afford, still living with my parents, and studying something I hated. I saw nothing good or worthy about myself, and as far as I was concerned, I was still alive and living life against my will. And yet my ex looked at me and said that she developed a crush on me the first time we spoke over the phone even though she had no idea what I looked like at the time. She told me that she had a mini heart attack the first time that she saw what...
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Becoming Buff So...
I started my post bacc for medical school about a month ago, and I've been doing okay. I was originally going to apply to medical school this cycle, but I ended up postponing my MCAT and will be applying next cycle instead. I’ve unintentionally been isolating myself since January because I needed time to recover from life in general. I kept finding it impossible to do the bare minimum of leaving my own home, nevermind trying to plan for my future. I thought that being in a school setting again after my covid-ridden undergrad experience would make me feel unwell again and send me spiraling into some of the bad habits that I had during undergrad, but honestly I haven’t. There’s something about returning to classes as an older adult with more life experience that makes it feel different. I feel bad for everyone in my life that I’ve been unintentionally ignoring, but for the first time in my life, I’ve found myself without any expectations I feel like I need to meet. It took me some...
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World's Shortest...
Something that I’ve realized recently is that I struggle to put myself first. It doesn’t matter what form this takes: making sure my personality is easy to digest, making sure I’m hitting the milestones I’m “supposed” to hit in time. I’ll come back to this blog post with an amazingly written essay about the “how” and “why” I feel like I got to this point, but for now I’m using this space to make a promise for myself. I will treat myself the way that I would treat a friend. I will work on developing a personal sense of self that is not dependent on how others view me. I will work on identifying my own voice and interests. I will honor my life experiences. I will create a home within myself.
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Reflecting on My...
As 2023 begins, I've started to feel really retrospective about my life. I ended up graduating a semester early from college December of 2022. It's been really weird having people applaud me for graduating early, when in reality I chose to graduate early mostly because I was tired of studying psychology and didn't want to drag it out any longer than I had to. I didn't decide that medicine was something I truly wanted to do until two years into my degree, so my last two years of college were spent taking the courses for my psychology degree, courses for my French and biology minors, while also doing medical school prerequisites — needless to say I was consistently overbooked. I don't necessarily regret majoring in psychology (it was really interesting and I learned a lot!) but I wish that I had freed myself from the need for academic validation much earlier so that I wasn't constantly at 18-21 credit hours a semester. I wish that I had realized earlier that constantly working for the...